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Jul. 17th, 2015

ano pa ba kailangan kong maramdaman? o baka kailangan ko wag nang isipin kung ano pa ba pwedeng maramdaman? masakit lahat ng mga pangyayari. parang isang tsunami na iiwan ka na lang basang basa at walang patutunguhan pagkatapos kang buhusan ng pagkaramiraming tubig at ialon ka sa lugar na di mo alam kung paano ka magsisimula ulit.

sa tagal na nakasama kita. akala ko mahal mo ako. mahal mo nga ba ako? hindi ko na alam. hindi ko maramdaman. manhid ba ako o talaga lang wala naman talaga akong papakiramdaman hanggat anong pilit ko. walong taon kong pinapakiramdaman kung gaano ako kahalaga sa buhay mo. mahalaga nga ba ako o kailangan mo lang ako. o baka naman...masyado lang akong mapaghanap. andami daming bumubulong. andami daming tanong na kahit itinanong ko na sayo hindi pa rin nabibigyan ng malinaw na sagot.

iniwan mo ako.
ang taas taas ko na tapos bigla mo akong iniwan sa ere.
paano ko ibababa ang sarili ko.
paano ako baba ng alam kong hindi na kita kasama.
paano ko uumpisahan ang buhay ng ako na lang.
magsimula ng panibagong pangarap.
mabuhay ng payapa.
kung nakikita pa kita araw araw at bumabalik ung mga alaala at pangarap na sana.. dapat sana ikaw ang kasama kong bumuo.

nangako tayo sa harap ng mga magulang natin. dalawang beses.
nangako tayo sa harap ng mga kapatid natin. dalawang beses.
nangako tayo sa harap ng mga kamag anak natin. dalawang beses.
nangako tayo sa Diyos. dalawang beses.

masyado lang ba akong idealistic? siguro nga.
masakit pa rin. marami nang nagbigay sa akin ng payo. alam ko na ang dapat kong gawin.
pero.
masakit pa rin.
paano ba ako magsisimula?
when all's well and he's still around it makes you feel like it's should.. until you stare in the blankness and cry..

life hasn't been stable..
and my mind is still in a daze.
I guess it will never heal.
seems the happiness is vague. unreal.

hard to see the brighter future.
i'm still doomed in my past.
uncertain. cold. insecure.

sometimes i just wish to be dead.
gone. unnoticed and not in pain.

everytime i cry.
i call out someone's name.
everytime i sigh.
my memories leave a painful trace.

hungry and afraid of the truth.
im lost.
im wrecked.
a loser.

a note to my dear papa

it has been 4 years since you left us physically.. papa.. nung nawala ka we wept a lot.. we've been through a lot of hurdles and accepting was never easy.. until now parang kahapon lang nangyari lahat.. until now ramdam ko pa rin ang emptiness dahil wala ka na sa amin.. i was trying to recall how you've been a good papa to us.. i'm sorry pero actually i can only count a few.. pero alam niyo po ang hindi ko mabibilang? yung endless love niyo sa amin na no need to put into actions or words.. i thought you were just there and if ever you leave parang wala lang pero nung pag alis mo we are all feeling so helpless and empty.. buntong hininga na lang ang katapat.. papa.. i know i'm not a perfect daughter pero never mo pinadama sa akin yun. sorry for all my shortcomings.. sorry dahil kung kailan ka nawala mas narealize ko how worthy are you and lucky to be my father.. ang swerte ng mama ko sayo kasi walang papantay sa love at faithfulness niyo.. papa.. all i ever do is ask.. and you know.. kahit di ko man naririnig ang sagot mo i know hindi mo ako papabayaan.. kahit ano pa nangyari.. thank you coz i still believe that you gave a beautiful gift to me.. i love you pa.. pakisabi kay Lord i love you at thank you rin.. ang haba na ng bakasyon mo.. soon sasama ako sa iyo ha? as for now could you not stop guiding and loving me? i'm crying not because i'm sad its because God has been good to me because he lent me a father for 26 years.. i'll stay good and God fearing.. hindi ko papabayaan ang sarili ko at sila adee. just always keep an eye on us we'll all be fine.. papa.. i love you so much..

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my night meditation

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

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suddenly i woke up from sleep my whole body is restless and my mind is thinking so many things that i cannot anymore comprehend. my joints are feeling loose my blood feels like gushing around my system. what is happening to me?!? i cannot feel strong heartbeats and i'm doing deep breaths. papa.. help me.. i got no one to talk to. my fear is getting into my nerves. my emotions is impatient and my life is going haywire. papa.. can you please hug me now? i need you..

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In my Life

D D/C# Bm Bm/A E7 Bb C D

D
In my life

D/C# Bm
There are so many questions and answers that somehow seem wrong

Em
In my life

Em/D A/C# A7 D
There are times when I catch in the silence the sigh of a faraway song

D7 D
And it sings of a world that I long to see

E E7 A A7
Out of reach, just a whisper away, waiting for me

Bb/C F
Does he know I'm alive, do I know if he's real?

Bb/C D
Did he see what I saw, does he feel what I feel?

D D/C# Bm D/A E7
In my life, I'm no longer alone now the love in my life is so near

G A7 D D/C#
Find me now, find me here.

Bb
In my life

Bb Bb/A Gm
I have all that I want. You are loving and gentle and good.

Cm Cm7
But papa, dear papa,

F Bb
in your eyes I am just like a child who is lost in a wood.

Bb/Ab
No more words

Eb
No more words, it's a time that is dead

C
There are words

C7 F
That are better unheard, better unsaid

C#
In my life

C#/C Bbm Bbm7 C#/Ab Gm7-5
I'm no longer a child and I long for the truth that you know

F# Ab C#
Of the years, years ago

Abm/B
You will learn

Ebm7
Truth is given by God to us all

Ab C# Abm/B Ebm7 A7
In our time, in our turn

D
In my life

D/C# Bm
She has burst like the music of angels, the light of the sun

Em Em/D A
And my life seems to stop as if something is over

A7 D
And something has scarcely begun.

D7
Eponine

G
You're the friend who has brought me here

E E7 A
Thanks to you, I am one with the gods

A7
And Heaven is near!

Bb/C F
And I soar through a world that is new that is free

Bb/C D
Every word that he says is a dagger in me!

D
In my life

D/C# Bm
There's been no one like him anywhere

Bm/A E7
Anywhere, where he is...

G A D
If he asked... I'd be his

C6
In my life

G
There is someone who touches my life

A
Waiting near

D
Waiting here

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PING PONG!

Someone has to stop the game...

My life here in Singapore is overly stated REDUNDANT. 

I'm the world's best teacher to my students. Oh it's because i never scold them... think again.
My daily schedule is. WORK. HOME. WORK. GROCERY. HOME. WORK. AIRPORT. WORK. HOME. not in particular order. need for a change.
Whenever my boss asks me how i am. i always say OK. not anymore. but then i just did it.
I only use 10% of my pay for myself. bullshit. plainly bullshit.
my student just called to cancel lesson. i definitely love that.

this year will be totally different and i LOVE to think that i'm excited. tremendously excited. care for a smoke?
oh and 1 thing more. i plan not to go back PI this year. wanna go korea?

a song to God..

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

Proverbs 2:1-7

My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you,turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,and if you call out for insightand cry aloud for understanding,and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.For the LORD gives wisdom,and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.He holds victory in store for the upright,he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless.

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